things are looking up...

So.. an update from my last post.. I have been seeing this guy. So far its not anything serious yet, but he is certainly getting close to making it serious:) He knows what to say to me, knows how to make me laugh and he is all I have been thinking about everyday for the past week or so. We have been on one date and email and text eachother everyday! He's a sweet guy and I am falling for him.. I just hope I am not being played. He swears that he is not out to hurt me or play me but of course I am sceptical. Its almost seems to good to be true to me so I am not sure what to expect. I do not want to rush into things and neither does he I am just so scared of where we are going to end up. I have been smiling and laughing since I have been talking to him and its a wonderful feeling to feel this way. He gave me butterflies when I first sat in his car for our date, that has never happened to me before. NEVER... It was a strange but wonderful feeling. I want to be his but I know that i need to wait until he decides on where we go from here. He says I'm all he thinks about as well and that makes me feel so good all over! I'm just not used to this kind of man in my life and I sure hope he stays in my life.. well enough of that mushy stuff :)

Life.

So I guess I started this to help me vent my thoughts and my ideas. My life has been turned upside down and inside out the last 6 months. The love of my life ended our four year courtship on September 22nd. I have been living with my parents since that happened. Don't get me wrong I love them dearly and they have helped me out TREMENDOUSLY, I just feel like I am a Loser by living with them, I know I'm not I mean I have a great job, 2 healthy wonderful kids, I just need my independance, and feel very loserish. I just think that maybe if I am out on my own I will feel better about my life. I don't regret any of the choices I have made with my life, just not happy where my life has taken me at the present. Does that make sense? I feel like I am missing something, but I cant quite put my finger on what it is. I hate being alone, hate not having someone in my life that loves me other than my kids. Somedays I am great with the breakup I handle it ok and do wonderfully, and then there are times like the last couple of weeks where I feel like I can't go on without him. He was such a major part of my life and my kids' life for four years its just so hard for me to walk away from that. I know my life is better without him, but its just hard for me to realize that sometimes. I loved and still do his 2 kids like they were my own, I worry about them hope they are ok. I worry about him hope he is ok, he is a good man for the most part, he does have a few issues that I wish he would get help for but nobody is perfect right? I just miss him, us, our family, most times I blame myself, think I should have done things differently when it came to us and our family, but I can't change the past I can only work on the present and the future. Sometimes I find myself thinking back to our life together and the issues that we had, and am glad that I am not around that anymore. I know that everything happens for a reason, I keep telling myself that everyday.

Another subject that I think about quite often is the fact that I am single. What is wrong with me. A divorce after four years of marriage seems to me that 4 is my lucky number. I don't regret one second the divorce. Just wonder again what I did to make it happen. Was I not a good enough wife to make him cheat on me? Did I annoy him so much that he felt I could be muted by smacking me around? I just don't know WHY this happens to me? I think I am attractive looking I am maybe a little overweight but whatever ya know. Again people tell me that I will find someone that there is someone for everyone but again I am waiting. I know its not going to happen overnight, it's the waiting part that is getting to e. I guess I am waiting on a miracle. I hate this feeling that I am going to be alone, I hate being alone, who likes it. Yes I do have my kids and my family but I am alone in other ways. I need the affection and touch of a man in my life. I have never been alone, I don't know how to do it on my own. Where do I start? That is all I have for tonight. will try to keep up with this every day if I can.