So I guess I started this to help me vent my thoughts and my ideas. My life has been turned upside down and inside out the last 6 months. The love of my life ended our four year courtship on September 22nd. I have been living with my parents since that happened. Don't get me wrong I love them dearly and they have helped me out TREMENDOUSLY, I just feel like I am a Loser by living with them, I know I'm not I mean I have a great job, 2 healthy wonderful kids, I just need my independance, and feel very loserish. I just think that maybe if I am out on my own I will feel better about my life. I don't regret any of the choices I have made with my life, just not happy where my life has taken me at the present. Does that make sense? I feel like I am missing something, but I cant quite put my finger on what it is. I hate being alone, hate not having someone in my life that loves me other than my kids. Somedays I am great with the breakup I handle it ok and do wonderfully, and then there are times like the last couple of weeks where I feel like I can't go on without him. He was such a major part of my life and my kids' life for four years its just so hard for me to walk away from that. I know my life is better without him, but its just hard for me to realize that sometimes. I loved and still do his 2 kids like they were my own, I worry about them hope they are ok. I worry about him hope he is ok, he is a good man for the most part, he does have a few issues that I wish he would get help for but nobody is perfect right? I just miss him, us, our family, most times I blame myself, think I should have done things differently when it came to us and our family, but I can't change the past I can only work on the present and the future. Sometimes I find myself thinking back to our life together and the issues that we had, and am glad that I am not around that anymore. I know that everything happens for a reason, I keep telling myself that everyday.
Another subject that I think about quite often is the fact that I am single. What is wrong with me. A divorce after four years of marriage seems to me that 4 is my lucky number. I don't regret one second the divorce. Just wonder again what I did to make it happen. Was I not a good enough wife to make him cheat on me? Did I annoy him so much that he felt I could be muted by smacking me around? I just don't know WHY this happens to me? I think I am attractive looking I am maybe a little overweight but whatever ya know. Again people tell me that I will find someone that there is someone for everyone but again I am waiting. I know its not going to happen overnight, it's the waiting part that is getting to e. I guess I am waiting on a miracle. I hate this feeling that I am going to be alone, I hate being alone, who likes it. Yes I do have my kids and my family but I am alone in other ways. I need the affection and touch of a man in my life. I have never been alone, I don't know how to do it on my own. Where do I start? That is all I have for tonight. will try to keep up with this every day if I can.
